You guys, I'm a loser. I said I'd get the giveaway up and I almost missed yet. But it's still Monday in Hawaii. Let's blame the delay on the barfing children I'm holed up with. Deal?
The first giveaway is going to be (and you never saw it coming)
A TUTU!!!
Just for my loyal readers (or not so loyal) You get your own personalized tutu made by yours truly. In pink. Because that is the color of the tulle I have right now.
All you have to is write something that will make me laugh. Jokes, memories, embarrassing stories. Bring. On. The. Funny.
Enter as many times as you want ("that's what she said!")--a inkling into my sense of humor! I'll pick the winner on Friday! Make me laugh people!
16 comments:
So is this a tutu in maternity? It won't do me any good if I can't wear it. Let me know, thanks.
I worked at ShopKo (Like Wal-Mart) during college. I eventually became a manager and my first order of business was to make all the sales associates include the phrase "tampon aisle" when giving customers directions to a product. Since they were all 18 year girls working for me, they happily obliged.
O.K., nevermind. I can't be funny this early. I'll be back. I've got a three year old who wants a damn tutu and I would just make one myself but I don't know what "loop tying" is.
Ooh,ooh! Another one--
My grandparents had a gigantic wooden train that spelled "WELCOME SANTA" that they put on their lawn every Christmas. I would always rearrange it to spell "WELCOME SATAN." It would always take weeks for them to figure it out and change it back.
Embarrassing stories?? Dude, it's in the bag. I taught middle school for 4 years- that place is the freakin' mother lode of embarrassment.
1. One time I was standing up in front of my 7th grade algebra class (super smart kids) and ripping them a new one because they would not shut up. I was also apparently talking with my hands too as I've been known to do. In the middle of my lecture, I managed to drag my open Sharpie marker across my own face and draw a huge black line on my cheek. My students knew I was pissed so they didn't dare laugh- they sat there with breath held and eyes bulging trying to keep it in! I started chuckling and told them "It's okay, go ahead and laugh!!" So, I got over my rant and we all laughed it off.
2. In a Geometry class, we were learning about Circles & polygons. If a polygon is enclosed in a circle, the geometric term for the polygon is "circumscribed". Really. Go LOOK IT UP if you don't believe me. Anyway, one of my smart-mouth 9th graders raised his hand and asked "So Mrs. Monks, do you prefer them circumscribed or uncircumscribed?"
What could I say??? I shot him a look of death and told him that was inappropriate. Ah, pity that as 'The Teacher' I have to keep in mind what is 'appropriate' when I talk to the little rat-weasels. Of course, I did feel somewhat avenged when that SAME punk accidentally called me "Mom" in class.
3. This story is about Andrew. He was in pilot training, and student pilots have a compulsive habit of turning ANYTHING into a sexual innuendo. One day his flight commander was asking him (in front of the class) to 'talk through' a flight scenario. The students are supposed to communicate constantly about everything they are doing- and one of Andrew's questions to the flight commander came out as "Sir, how does my thrust feel?" Hoo boy, his class LOVED that one!!!
Okay, so I was going to point out how funny it is that the Postal Service never delievered my last prize won from your website, but I guess that's not that funny. So instead, I'm sending you a link for a YouTube video that had me practically peeing my pants when I first saw it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcU4t6zRAKg
Enjoy!!
mmm...I'm not very funny, and I don't really have jokes besides my life right now. But I do have a funny embarrassing moment I was just thinking of the other day. When I was probably in high school I was at the gas station feeling up gas, and there was this cute guy in front of me, we smiled at each other, and I was checking him out, and all of my sudden the gas starts spilling from my tank. I felt so stupid, because he is watching the whole thing. He did come over and say you may want to wash that off your car. That was it with the hot guy! I hope you laughed, I want a tutu! We'll maybe not for me...
p.s. so sorry about the barphing kids. That really sucks! I hope they are better.
Okay,I just can't promise that you haven't heard these before:
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.
She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy Mackerel! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
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As mother scrubbed on the dishes, the girl cleared her throat and sweetly asked; "Why do you have some grey strands in your hair?"
The mother paused and looked at her daughter. "Every time you disobey, I get one strand of grey hair. If you want me to stay pretty, you better obey."
The mother quickly returned to her task of washing dishes. The little girl stood there thinking. She cleared her throat again.
"Mother?" She sweetly asked again.
"Yes?" Her Mother replied.
"Why is Grandma's hair all grey?"
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And last but not least....
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
Okay, all my funny stories have to do with potty humor and I can't believe I am about to tell this story on your blog where anyone can can read it, but here goes.
Last August Perry was at some random Army training and I was alone with three kids much like I am right now. I decided to go visit his sister who lived 7 hours away. I was about half-way into my trip, the kids had all finally fallen asleep and I had to pee REALLY bad. I wasn't about to wake them up to go into some grimy gas station bathroom, so I pulled over, climbed into the backseat and peed into a diaper. No joke. Those diapers really can hold a lot of pee! It didn't even leak! I got back into the drivers seat and was on my merry way. :)
A couple of posts ago, when your husband was gone, all I could think was, "Is eight the time I'm supposed to be having sex? Isn't there some good tv on at eight?"
Oh so fun!! Normally I can think of something funny right of the bat, but today........chirp chirp.......nada. Sigh.....
Here is a cheesy one...
Q: Why did Tigger look inside the toilet?
A: He was looking for Pooh!!
Get it, Pooh, whahahahaa!......chirp chirp......Okay I know that was bad. I will think of something really funny and be back later!!
Amanda, I cannot BELIEVE you didn't get it. I thought since I didn't hear about it it was a done deal. Email me your WA address--your getting a damn prize, woman!
I don't think I can ever look at Sarah the same way again.
Lucy, if your pregnant self wants a maternity tutu, dangit that's what you'll get!
So these are all pretty dang funny, BUT ... okay so they are just plain funny. Go to my blog today. Now THAT is funny stuff!
Then, there was this Chinese exchange student that went my high school and he was trying his hardest to learn English. Some of my favorites were:
1. In English we personify verbs like someone who bakes is a baker. Well, in our computer class, there is a girl who is in charge of hooking up the internet connection and he yelled across the room, "Hey hooker! I need mine right now!" It was funny. In a crude sort of high-school giggly-turn-red sort of way.
2. Also in English we shorten words. We also like to put s's on the end of words to pluralize them. So my favorite was when we were leaving to go to lunch and he had to bend down to tie his shoe and yelled, "Wait for some secs!" We got some GREAT looks from the passerbys.
Again, if you want some cleaner less crude funny stuff, you should hear what my preschoolers said today!!
Here are my favorites:
I held up a turkey without it's feathers on this time and asked, "What is wrong with this turkey?"
Ava: I think he's sad
Maleia: He is sad because he wants to see his daddy
I changed my question..."What is this turkey missing?"
Mimi: A mom and a dad
Steven: He's missing an eye! (It was a side profile of a turkey)
Sky: Hands!
Maleia: The flat things he needs to fly like ducks.
Me: Yes! Those are called feathers. He is missing feathers. Sadly, he doesn't fly.
Ava: So he is sad.
Jenny. No. He's missing those pointy things on his back.
Me: Yes he is. Those are called feathers.
Jenny. mmm. I don't know about that.
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We were making butter by shaking whipping cream and Jenny said, "Sometimes I get butter in my eye."
The whole class turned and looked at her like she had butter in her eye right then. Then I asked, "How did you get butter in your eye?" and she responded,
"I have no. I. dea." Then Maleia said, "Maybe it tripped in her eye!"
Oh those kids totally crack me up!
This probably too late (is it still Friday in Hawaii?), but I'll share anyway.
I found this little gem in a folder of old pictures. It's me in Paris. It's not funny because I look like I'm asleep. It's funny because of the graffiti "caption" that just happened to be behind me.
http://img504.imageshack.us/my.php?image=brdxz0.jpg
~Brandi
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